Agent Tarin Richard's 10 Rules On SCP Retrieval
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Agent Tarin Richards’ 10 Rules on SCP Retrieval

1. If you show up at my office without any official forms, you’d better be delivering something, because you sure as hell aren’t picking anything up.

2. You do not touch the SCP in front of me. You may look at it for a few seconds. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of the SCP, I will remove them for you.

3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for some of you hotshots to ignore proper dress code. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and people like you are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may participate in missions with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of the operation, I will take an electric nail gun and fasten your loose clothing securely in place to your body.

4. I'm sure you've been told that in training, handling SCPs without proper safety procedures can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to SCPs, I am the safety procedure, and I will kill you.

5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have the SCP contained, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "now."

6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities take other assignments. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my supervisor. Otherwise, once you have taken an assignment with me, you will continue that assignment until it is completed. If you make my supervisor cry, I will make you cry.

7.As you stand behind me, waiting for me to give the all clear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to clock in early, you should not be in this line of work. I’m trying to contain an SCP, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like watching my goddamn six?

8. The following places are not appropriate to bring up personal issues: Everywhere.

9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a cold, bitchy, socially inept, mentally scarred nutcase. But on issues relating to an SCP, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a sniper rifle, blank termination orders, and O5 backing. Do not trifle with me.

10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your footsteps for those of SCP-███ on the rampage. When my fractured psyche starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to load the guns as I wait for you to return from your field op. As soon as you return you should approach with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have delivered the SCP safely, then leave - there is no need for you to come inside. The rifle pointed at you is mine.

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